"An Interview with C.A. Smythe: Conducted by the Movie Star, Ingenue"

Saturday October 29, 2005

Ingenue: Ladies and gentlemen. It's the movie star, Ingenue. I am here today doing an interview with one of the most important authors in all the world. It's his first book. It's called The Unfortunates. And his name is C.A. Smythe. C.A. Smythe is a wonderful author from West Virginia, now living in Burbank, California. And I have been personally asked to do a fabulous interview with him for his website. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, sitting right here with me, C.A. Smythe.

C.A. Smythe: Thank you for that wonderful introduction, Ingenue.

I: No problem, darling. Now as you know, we are going to be talking mostly today about The Unfortunates. I would like you to give me a little of what they call a log line of The Unfortunates. What is it in a very quick sentence or two?

C.A.: I would say that it's a fun, campy, comedic mystery set at an evil Hollywood television studio. Have you ever worked at a place where you wanted to kill a few people? Well, that's what happens in this book. Some of those people you just love to hate at work get killed. And I had so much fun writing it.

I: Good. Where did you get the name "C.A. Smythe", C.A. Smythe?

C.A.: You know, I said, 'What is a good pretentious name that isn't like Chris Smith, but is?' And, well, my middle initial is A, so C.A. And Smith turns to Smythe with a Y and E and there you have it. Pretension that hopefully sells books.

I: (laughs) Now what's your favorite color.

C.A.: Blue.

I: Why?

C.A.: It's like my mood. (laughing) No, it's just so clean and pretty.

I: Now I know where the idea for The Unfortunates comes from, but I think most of the people out there would like to know exactly where it came from. All these wonderful movies and books and plays originate from a very small seed. Take me back to the moment when you said, 'I want to do a book about this.' Take me all the way back. What was that little germ? And walk me through it.

C.A.: Well, you know, I once worked at a television studio. Should I not mention the name of it?

I: No.

C.A.: And I worked there for almost ten years. Though probably over eleven if you don't count until my divorce was final from them. I used to want to do a sitcom set in a mailroom because I was a mailroom supervisor for six glorious years…one year of which was not very fun-the last year. But it wasn't very sitcommy. I always thought it was more like a little drama. So I always called the place "Mailroom Place" after Melrose Place.

I: Now that is brilliant.

C.A.: Yes, I even had a street sign made up that said "Mailroom Place."

I: Ohhh. Where'd you have it made? C.A.: Some little sign company in Burbank. I: Really? In the 818?

C.A.: Yes. One of my favorite cities in the world. But anyway, we were having to do a lot of horrible things at work that really weren't our jobs. And I thought, 'What are we going to be doing next? Painting the building? If there's a crime here, are we gonna have to solve it?' And then a little light went on above my head. And a little bell. Ding. And I said, 'Hmmm, mailroom people who solve crimes at a studio. Now that sounds like a book, not a sitcom!' So I just started writing out the characters, planning who was gonna be in it. And the rest of the story just wrote itself pretty much.

I: And where did you get the ideas for some of the characters?

C.A.: Oh, should I mention the real people?

I: You do what you want.

C.A.: Well, some of the characters I had to have, like I had a sort of a tough guy, sexy guy in the mailroom.

I: Ooooh, hot.

C.A.: We'll just call him Steve. I had to make him Eddie Edgy. And I had like a slightly lazy, make-up wearing Asian girl named Mu-Chin, so I had to make a character called Mu-Chin Chin. But I just took all the people from over the years, except for the ones that I forgot about, and I just smushed them together and made a little group of mailroom workers. And then some of the other people around the building got characters made in their honor. Not anything they would sue over. It's all about honor. Homage if you will.

I: Now who are some of your favorite characters in your book?

C.A.: Well, I love Christian McCorkle because no one ever likes Christian McCorkle. He's only the heart and soul of the whole book.

I: Why do you think that is?

C.A.: You know why people don't love him the best? It's because he's the average every man. He's sort of kooky and weird, but he's almost sometimes the voice of reason. But all of the characters are a little part of me. I was just saying the other day to a dear friend that there's something broken about each character. They're all missing a little something. Eddie perhaps isn't able to fully love just one woman. Mu-Chin might have some evil problems going on in her life and she can't be a full person. Christian will never, at least in this book that we know of, have a normal relationship. I don't know. I don't want to give anything away. There's just something about each character, so I do love them all. But Lillian Lumley is one of my favorite ones. Not the person that she's modeled after, but her, because she's just so over the top Disney villainess. And of course I love Eddie Edgy because he can just say the F word one hundred and fifty times in the book and it's so much fun to type that. And Amy is a special little character because I just love one of her little subplot storylines, which I won't reveal here. But it's a secret from her past.

I: Now do you think that because you create such great characters and you give them all these broken pieces, and we know that eventually those broken pieces may become whole, that maybe you just create too many good ones and people have a hard time with choosing Christian because there's a Lillian, who's just too over the top?

C.A.: That could be. That would be nice if that's the case. Because then at least they're liking some character. I'm happy if any of these characters are well received because I wrote them all. So I don't mind that my character, Christian, is not the number one on the list of favorite characters. Though my mother loves him the best.

I: Good. Oh, speaking of mail, I sent a birthday card to my mother in my hometown of Bakersfield. Now how long should that take?

C.A.: When did you send it?

I: 1997.

C.A.: Oh, dear. That should have been there by now. Did it have proper postage?

I: Ohhh. I think I just put tape on it and some coins behind the tape on the envelope.

C.A.: Oh, no. Somebody probably took those coins and took White Out to the card and gave it to their mother.

I: Wonderful. Well, Galaxy, my mother, if you didn't get the birthday card in 1997, it's just really too late now.

C.A.: You know, one time I sent my mother a letter and it was held captive in Chicago as part of a criminal investigation. They found a bunch of mail in someone's basement. And then they sent it to her five years later in a little bag that said, "We're sorry for the delay. Your mail has been used as evidence." So she did get it.

I: Now I'm going to ask you to talk about the nepotism that was involved in casting. Willie Talk, Aloysius, and Ollie Ashtari-Larki Smith wound up mysteriously coming into this book. And I think they are all children of yours. Tell me about it.

C.A.: Well, Willie Talk, my ventriloquist dummy, is one of my oldest children. I've had him since 1978. And those of you who can't see the picture of him on the cover of my book right now because we're coming to you either by a transcript that you're reading or by Sirius Radio with Martha Stewart and Howard Stern and all of them…I don't know how you're listening to this or reading it…But there's a beautiful picture on the cover of Willie Talk and that's just how he looks. He was always there for me. He would hold my hands during thunderstorms. Well, one of my hands. His hands are so little that they couldn't grasp both of mine. But he was always comforting me, telling me no, that I didn't have the 666 under my hair, that I wasn't the son of the Devil, as I thought when I was a child. You know, normal childhood fears. So of course he was going to be in the book because he's done so much for me. And when I was a little boy, I had a sock monkey named Jo Jo. Then my niece Sharon got one and she named hers Jo Jo, I don't know why, so mine had to be called Mr. Jo Jo. But he died a long time ago. He's just a head now…somewhere…in cryogenics. Then, a few years ago, my niece gave me a new sock monkey. He was wearing a cute little Ollie North-type hat and I said, "Ollie!" when I saw him. So, of course I wanted a sock monkey in the book. And to round it out, Aloysius is the classic brown teddy bear from FAO Schwartz. I got him on a trip to New York City in 1997. I have seventy-five "children" right now, so it was very tough to decide who was going to be in the book.

I: Now Ollie becomes sort of a little villain in this story. Where did you get the idea to make Ollie a little bit more dangerous than the other two?

C.A.: You know, Ollie has always had a little mischievous streak, even in real life. The others just seemed a little too sweet natured to carry that off in the book. And I think that Ollie is the perfect voice of a little naughtiness to maybe plant thoughts in Christian's head or something like that. So Ollie was just the obvious choice and the perfect one to play that role.

I: Now since we're looking at the cover, why don't you talk about it. It's beautiful. I want to hear all about where the idea came about for the cover and anything else you can share with us.

C.A.: Well, it is an oil painting. It was painted by my dear friend, Adam McDaniel. He's an invaluable friend really. (laughs) It's done in the style of The Saturday Evening Post. So the title is in that font, as is the C.A. Smythe name. We've got the sun in the background. Just like they often used on that classic magazine. It's just a beautiful cover. Originally, other characters were supposed to be on it too, like Eddie Edgy, Mu-Chin, Amy and Henry Vance. But tragically, Adam's hand was so tired while he was painting. And when I saw this image with just me, Willie, Ollie and Aloysius, I said, "Perfect. As long as I'm on there, you don't need anything else!"

I: Now why The Saturday Evening Post? What was your motivation for using that?

C.A.: Well, The Saturday Evening Post always did a lot of Norman Rockwell paintings on their cover. And since this is the furthest thing from Norman Rockwell, we thought it was sort of ironic. You've got sort of this fun little painting. It's bright. It's sort of campy and spoofy like the book. It almost looks like an Encyclopedia Brown type cover.

I: Kind of innocent.

C.A.: Yes. But it does have a little blood on it, so you know not to get it for your children until they turn at least eleven. Just kidding.

I: And it does use the word "bitch" on the cover.

C.A.: It does use the word "bitch", so that should help you know not to get it for your children until they're at least in their teens.

I: Now how long did it take to write The Unfortunates?

C.A.: Well, I wrote it for about a year. A solid year of writing. But I've been working on it, on and off since then. I took a little time from it. I worked on a book called Trials and Tribulations. That's perhaps coming out next year. We're still in negotiations for that. So that's what I was mainly working on. And creating my musical The Good People of Sodom and Gomorrah: The Musical! Then earlier this year, it was time to go back to The Unfortunates to tweak it, edit it, and get it ready for publication.

I: Now what are some behind the scenes stories you can tell me about writing The Unfortunates? Some tidbits that you're not gonna find in the book, you're not gonna find in the Acknowledgments, the Foreward, the Backward, the Neutral, and even in Park. Tell us something juicy.

C.A.: (laughs) It started out as a serialized saga. I would send a chapter at a time, while I was working at this unmentioned television studio back in 2002. And I would send a chapter at a time to various people. And everybody was just clamoring to find out what the characters were going to be doing. Let's see…what's juicy? Oh, here's a fun tidbit. I was writing chapter 16 or 17 and I had written a wonderful scene on a Sunday, in which my character, Christian McCorkle, was held at gunpoint. And would you believe that that Tuesday, I too was held at gunpoint in my very own mailroom? It just caused the whole production of my book and the serialized version to shut down because I just couldn't function for so long after.

I: Now tell us about that.

C.A.: Oh, it was terrible. I was minding my own business one day at work, and this crazy loon burst through the gate. I did not even know about it. I was sitting there typing up FedEx and Airborne packages. And this nut comes to my door in the mailroom and puts a gun to his head and says, "I need help right now!" Well, I thought, "Boy, does he ever." And then, he pointed the gun at me and tried to shoot me twice. He pulled the trigger and it just clicked. They say that it either jammed or that he was too stupid to have put the bullets in it. But when I sassed him and said, "Too bad the gun wasn't loaded," then he went and tried to remedy the situation and gave me the evil eye while he stood in the hall.

I: Then what happened?

C.A.: Then, I said, "Dear God, I think this is a real gunman and not a prop from a soap opera." Because we had a couple of soap operas there that I won't even mention the names of.

I: How very bold of you. C.A.: Very bold. But when you're not very beautiful, you have to make bold choices. Though my mother thinks I'm handsome. But anyway… I: So he was where? What was he doing?

C.A.: He was in the hall. And I said, "Dear God." And I looked at him. And he gave me the look that I knew he meant business. So I slammed the top the top part of my door closed. You know, it was one of those Dutch doors where the top opens and the bottom part locks, even though you can just reach over and open it. And I stood there in front of the door, holding it closed. Well, he could have shot right through the door. But I wasn't thinking at the time. Then I heard a mail cart coming.

I: (gasps) Oh, no!

C.A.: It was rolling, you know how they rattle when they roll on cement floors. I said, "One of my mail children is out there. He's in danger!" Just the father instinct in me kicked in and I had to open the door to let my child in. Metaphorically speaking. It wasn't Willie Talk or any of those children. But it was Jeremy (though I call him Jeremiah), who I believe appears in a party scene somewhere in the book. But anyway, I risked my life and opened the door. Luckily, the mad gunman had moved on.

I: Did the mad gunman have anything happen to him?

C.A.: He did. There was a police standoff and he eventually…his gun discharged or he shot himself in the spine or the abdomen and now he is paralyzed, so they say.

I: Well, my goodness, this is quite a story, Smythe. And this is very frightening, so let's talk about some more happier times.

C.A.: Good.

I: I want you to tell us about C.A. Smythe. Tell us about your childhood.

C.A.: Well, I wasn't C.A. Smythe then. But I did have a pretty happy childhood. I don't remember much of it because I watched so much television that now when I try to think about childhood memories, all I can think of is the Pam Ewing or Laverne and Shirley. Things like that. Mel's Diner, the Waltons. You know, the normal childhood memories. The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew. So as long as there was TV on, I was happy. There was a terrible time in my hometown once when there was a Great Flood and the whole town was under water. Not my house, mind you, because we lived up a Hollow, one of those dirt roads between the mountains with houses on either hillside. It was very nice though. And we didn't have TV for a couple of weeks. We didn't even have power. I didn't care about the electricity really, or the heat. But I needed my TV. And I have never gotten over missing "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour". Tragedy. So that is one of the greatest upsets from my childhood.

I: Were you a good student, a bad student or did you not give a damn?

C.A.: I was a pretty good student. I excelled in things like English, creative things. Don't even talk to me about Math or Science. Though I did have a wonderful Science teacher named Mrs. Paula Lowe. Hello, Mrs. Lowe. And I must say hello to Ms. Slater. Ms. Sandra Slater. Oh, I loved those two teachers. And Gail Morgan. Hello, Mrs. Morgan.

I: Now I'm going to ask you some unrelated questions, just to find out more about who C.A. Smythe really is. And my favorite questions I'm going to save 'til last. But right now, I want to know what's your favorite item of clothing?

C.A.: Hmmm. I love a good pair of blue jeans.

I: What's your favorite comfort food?

C.A.: Comfort food? A pepperoni pizza.

I: Favorite drink? And I'm not talking about water.

C.A.: Oh, an alcoholic drink.

I: You've got it.

C.A.: I do enjoy a good margarita, on the rock-without salt.

I: Oooh. Does anyone have my vodka? And tequila for C.A. Smythe.

C.A.: Yes, I would love some tequila right now. Straight up.

I: Maybe I have some in my purse. Oh, let's continue. Your favorite song?

C.A.: Oh, my. Gosh. Right now, I love songs from Wicked the musical.

I: No one mourns the wicked.

C.A.: It's true. And I love "Popular." But I like Top 40 shit that the children are listening to nowadays.

I: Oh, like at Tiger Heat presents Flirt at Rage. Every Sunday night, West Hollywood.

C.A.: It's true. You know, I hear that Ingenue hosts that event.

I: Oh, thank you, C.A. Smythe for telling everyone. Yes, it's true. The movie star does. But I digress. This is all about Smythey Boo.

C.A.: Well, that music is a little bit more of a hip beat for me. I like something a little more 80's. Oh, I love 80's music!

I: What's your best quality?

C.A.: Creativity and kindness. Two of them.

I: Your worst quality?

C.A.: Procrastination.

I: Worst job you ever had?

C.A.: One time, I had to deliver flowers. But the people are very nice there. And also, one time, I had to work for a few days in a dirty records department in a television studio.

I: Oh. Were they 45's or 33's?

C.A.: Not even. They were dirty old files and 78's. Ohhh.

I: (Gasps). Okay, Smythe. Here's a tissue.

C.A.: Thank you. (Blows nose).

I: Bad habit that you wish you could break?

C.A.: Is procrastination a bad habit? That's one of them. And, I don't bite my nails, but I do peel them off with my other nails. They just look awful. They don't look nice like Ingenue's.

I: Oh, thank you so much. What is your most treasured possession?

C.A.: Photos of my family and friends. All of my DVD's. My CD's. I have a marvelous musical collection. I love all of my writing. I love my videotapes. All of my soap opera books. I have TV Guides, Soap Opera Digest, Soap Opera Weekly, and Entertainment Weekly. I must be very possessive because I love it all.

I: Well, if you notice, audience, he's very possessive about things that are very much related to what he does. He's a novelist. He is bigger than life. He loves television. And you worked for a television studio, you wrote a book. It seems logical that you would write your own television series someday.

C.A.: You know, I am writing with a brilliant writing partner named George P. Barr, Jr. And we're working on a television drama. It's a steamy drama. I can't really tell you much about it right now.

I: It sounds hot.

C.A.: Steamy. It is really. But look for that sometime in the near future.

I: What would you title your autobiography?

C.A.: I've always had my title since 4th grade. There was this boy, whose name I won't mention. And he sat near me in class. And he'd always say, "Heh heh heh, you're living in a fantasy world, chump." So I always thought that would be the perfect name for an autobiography.

I: Now what is a recent thing that you admit to trying?

C.A.: Hmm. Let's see. I tried nudism once.

I: Oh, my goodness.

C.A.: Yes, that was fun. And of course, when I first had my gun incident, I went to Yoga to try to calm down and relax.

I: That's so Valerie Cherish.

C.A.: It really was.

I: Who's your favorite actress?

C.A.: Well, besides Ingenue, whom I just adore. Have all of you seen her horror movie Miss AMassacre?

I: "Oh, Miss Virginia. She's dead! I didn't even have time to give her a hot oil treatment." That was one of my finer lines.

C.A.: Yes, I remember that. Let's see. Oh, I love Meryl Streep. She's marvelous. I love Ms. Lisa Kudrow, star of "The Comeback". And I just love that little Dakota Fanning. Those are three of my favorites right now.

I: Do you foresee there being a sequel to The Unfortunates? And if so, what can you give us as far as storylines?

C.A.: Well, yes, I am percolating an idea for a sequel to The Unfortunates.

I: (claps excitedly)

C.A.: I'm pretty sure that it'll be called The Unfortunates 2: Stone, Cold, Dead. And it is about an evil…well, I don't want to say too much. Let's just that there is another menace that's threatening Hollywood, much like in the original Unfortunates. And a tragedy brings the group, who call themselves "The Unfortunates", close together to solve this crime and come together as a family. So I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I can't wait to see what happens. Because even I don't know.

I: Isn't that the best way to write? I've heard. I don't know how.

C.A.: It really is. The characters just take you on the journey. You never know what they're going to do next.

I: While we're speaking about that, what is the process that you use for writing? How is it that you do it? Do you put together a bunch of little notes and throw them all together? Do you sit with legal pads like David E. Kelly? What is your process of writing?

C.A.: I do a little bit of everything like that. One thing that I like to do is that I use straws. McDonald's straws work the best because they're so nice and thick. I make them into little straw people and I sort of act out a scene with them. In fact, I have a straw in my hand right now. "Hello. My name is Sheila Straw." You know, I just have legal pads and I do a lot of my stuff in long hand. When I work with my writing partner, George P. Barr, Jr., we'll sit on the floor and we like to spread out headshots that represent our characters. We just write and write and talk and write. We go back and forth about what the characters are gonna do.

I: Now speaking of George P. Barr, Jr. You've mentioned him twice. I too know him and am kind of indebted to him for several reasons. I mean, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.

C.A.: It's true. She wouldn't have been.

I: He was valedictorian of his class and he gave a speech about goals. Setting goals. C.A. Smythe, what is your new goal and your dream?

C.A.: Well, I have so many dreams. One goal that I have in the near future…I'm going to a wonderful musical theatre school called ANMT, The Academy of New Musical Theatre, and I want to focus on my musical theatre future. I am writing my soap opera Clarice Lovingspoon: Still Living Life, Still Loving It! And I'm working on a steamy drama with my writing partner. And, of course, the musical I'm writing. Oh, so many things to do. Working on the sequel for The Unfortunates. I have to return to working on Trials and Tribulations. I have Simple Folks coming up.

I: Now what is Simple Folks about?

C.A.: That is going to be a fun drama set in Simpleton, Kentucky. A small town. I see it as sort of a soap opera meets Jerry Springer. It's just gonna explode into a mess of hillbilly fun. I think the people will really like it, including the hillbillies. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

I: Now, as an actress, one of my dreams is to be on Inside the Actors' Studio.

C.A.: Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful?

I: So I'm going to steal James Lipton's questions that he wraps up all of his interviews with. And here we go.

C.A.: Hooray!

I: What is your favorite word?

C.A.: Can it be a phrase?

I: Sure.

C.A.: Poopy farty butty cruddy jutty.

I: What is your least favorite word?

C.A.: Bills.

I: What's your biggest turn on?

C.A.: Oh, there's so many things. (laughs). Ingenue just reminded of something but I won't say that.

I: We can't say it. This is a G-rated program.

C.A.: It is G rated. One of my greatest turn-ons is a sense of humor.

I: What's your biggest turnoff?

C.A.: Biggest turnoff is rude people.

I: Favorite sound?

C.A.: A fart in the morning.

I: Least favorite sound?

C.A.: A car horn honking.

I: Favorite curse word?

C.A.: I love "shit". (laughs)

I: If you couldn't be a writer, what is another profession you would like to have done?

C.A.: Perhaps actor. I don't think I'm a very good actor, but there are so many out there who aren't very good either.

I: I know. And sometimes I have to work with them.

C.A.: Oh, I know. Terrible.

I: What is a job or profession that you wouldn't like?

C.A.: Hmm. I wouldn't like to…um…I wouldn't want to offend any of my fans who might be doing this job. Oh, you know what would make me sad though. I would love to be able to work with animals, but it would break my heart if I had to deal with a sick animal and put it to sleep. I have a pet named Irma. She's a little hamster and I just love her.

I: So you wouldn't want to work with animals?

C.A.: Well, I wouldn't want to have to terminate animals, let's just say that. So, animal executioner.

I: What were you going to say before that you didn't want to offend people if your fans were working in this profession?

C.A.: Oh, gravedigger or something. I just don't have the back for it.

I: And my last question: if Heaven exists, what do you want God to say to you at the Pearly Gates?

C.A.: "C.A. Smythe, come on down. But not too far down. Just down to the Pearly Gates."

I: (laughs and applauds) C.A. Smythe, ladies and gentlemen. The author of The Unfortunates. We will be at the book signing a little bit later. I'm hosting there. Adam McDaniel will be there in person. It'll be fantastic. Don't forget to go to iUniverse.com to get your copy of The Unfortunates by C.A. Smythe. Murder, Madness and Mail! Ladies and gentlemen, this is C.A. Smythe. Thank you, my dear. It's been a pleasure. Before I close the interview, is there anything you would like to add?

C.A.: I think you've been so thorough, I can't think of anything else. Unless I think of something and come back and do a P.S. (laughs heartily).

I: And you know what? We'll be listening. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. This is the movie star Ingenue with author C.A. Smythe, who has just done his first interview for his fantastic new book, The Unfortunates. Pick it up, and don't forget to see me…where? On the silver screen. Thank you.

C.A.: Goodbye dear fans and friends.

(Thunderous applause).